The Unflappable Jeremy

Conversations I have had over — or immediately after — dinner  with Jeremy, my BFF and favorite person.

On a weekly basis
Jacob: “I’m going to find that guy, Jeremy, and I’m going to kill him. You don’t have to help.”
Jeremy: “Okay.”
Jacob: “You should have plausible deniability on this one, Jeremy.”
Jeremy: “Okay.”
Jacob: “But you can’t tell anybody, or else Twitter will turn into Craigslist, and I don’t want that to happen. It wouldn’t be fair, Jeremy. To Twitter I mean.”
Jeremy: “Promise.”


Three times in the last week
Jacob: “I’m not saying you’re wrong, and you know how I hate to state my opinions as categorically correct…”
Jeremy: “Well, that’s not at all true.”
Jacob: “…But in this one case, I am absolutely right about Daniel Tosh and you could save us both a lot of time right now by just agreeing with me.”
Jeremy: “Probably happen anyway. But can I talk now?”
Jacob: “Well, Jeremy, you can certainly try.”
Jeremy: “Whatever.”

Regarding the currently ongoing downward spiral
Jeremy: “So what happened after I left?”
Jacob: “We did ‘it’ until the sun came up.”
Jeremy: “All right.”
Jacob: “Did you get a vibe from him? Because it was really more about carrying out the mission than…”
Jeremy: “– I thought it was fine until he started yelling at us because we didn’t have pot.”
Jacob: “I mean, we were all trashed before he showed up, so. And he’s got a lot going on, Jeremy.”
Jeremy: “…I can see that. I could see that he has a lot going on.”

Several weeks ago
Jacob: “Hang on a sec, I’ve been wearing a jockstrap all night. Sometimes it’s nice to have a secret.”
Jeremy: “Cool.”
Jacob: “So I’ll be right back. It’s really diggin’ in there, Jeremy.”
Jeremy: “Cool.”
Jacob: “Here, and also over here in this location.”
Jeremy: “Cool.”
Jacob: “But on the other hand, I was protected from possible injuries the whole time.”
Jeremy: “Cool.”

Last night
Jacob: “Cut my foot on a neti pot.”
Jeremy: “Sure.”
Jacob: “So I’m going to be wearing sandals, Jeremy, first of all. And also I don’t want to go to one of those restaurants where you walk around a whole lot.”
Jeremy: “Got it.”
Jacob: “It shattered, Jeremy. I was a butterfingers and it shattered.”
Jeremy: “Show me. Yikes.”

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