WHAT IF? Marvel On Rowling

Claremont: Everybody mind-controls everybody else and they all wear black leather straps instead of clothing and fight in underground fight clubs. Ron gets really fat and mind-controls everybody into wearing black leather straps instead of clothing and fighting in underground fight clubs. Lucius Malfoy is obsessed with Harry’s DNA and keeps trying to steal his wizard semen using fake Ginny Weasleys. Hermione is blind but has computerized eyeballs that make her invisible somehow, and she is mind-controlled into wearing black leather straps instead of clothing, and also she fights in underground arena fight clubs. Everything is also Kaballah.

Len Wein: Minorities! Rita Skeeter is black and from Egypt and also a goddess of weather and also she is kind of a lesbian. One of the Weasley twins is Russian and the other one is from West Germany. Cedric is now a proud Apache warrior who sadly is eaten by a sentient island. Tonks smokes cigars andjust like in the original booksbecomes everybody’s favorite character for no reason whatsoever. Now she is Canadian and has adamantium claws and a refrigerator stuffed with Japanese women.
Austen: Snape kills Dumbledore, but it wasn’t really Snape, he just thought he was Snape, and there is another Snape who is Chinese and might be Snape or his twin brother or something. Hagrid’s father is actually the Devil, even though that makes no sense, and Hagrid dies or something. Dumbledore gets Wizard AIDS very immediately. Everything is very serious, so please don’t laugh.
Nicieza: Hermione is not blind anymore! Now she is a Japanese ho. A butterfly comes out of her face sometimes, and she has a psionic knife that is the focused totality of her psionic knife powers. She dies of wizard AIDS. Everybody gets wizard AIDS and dies, but then comes back. Crossovers with Twilight, Vampire Diaries, and most other things that exist result in a paramilitary atmosphere and lots of hip pockets and giant guns.
Claremont: A future daughter of Ginny and Harry returns from the future, where she has been mind-controlled to hunt wizards whilst wearing bondage gear. Lesbian Parvati makes contact with Future Lesbian Lavender in order to stop this future from taking place, or maybe this is what makes it happen. The Ministry of Magic is mind-controlled into wearing bondage gear and dressing up their house elves in absurdly offensive mammy outfits. Everybody is put into concentration camps, wearing leather bondage gear instead of clothing.

Simonson: Slytherin is still more interesting than Gryffindor, but we barely ever see them. Neville dies pointlessly to save a supremely annoying, half-bird house elf mutant creature. A Veela shows up and everybody goes to space for a million stupid years. Ginny dies, so Harry marries a lookalike who is also a member of Steely Dan. Gryffindor start a “wizard-finding” service that appears to be bad but is actually good, which doesn’t keep lots of wizards from committing suicide in a thinly veiled metaphor for internalized homophobia. Somebody in Ravenclaw is in a wheelchair and has magic pet lobsters.
Claremont: Albus Severus Weasley Potter is magically abducted to hell and then comes back a few seconds later full-grown, wearing bondage gear and growing devil horns whenever he practices magic. He enters a gay relationship with Cedric, who has a pet dragon now. He accidentally brings hell to earth, covering himself in eldritch armor with an eldritch sword that is the concentration of all his eldritch power. Inside the armor is Albus Severus as a baby, who immediately dies of wizard AIDS.
DeFilippis & Weir: One book to meet all of the young children, six books to murder them one-by-one in more and more horrible ways, while the original studentsall grown up now, all with mental disordersare forced to watch.
Whedon: Lavender and Parvati sleep together one night and then are brutally murdered. Ginny Weasley becomes a half-elf computer expert for no reason, and then is brutally murdered. Hermione gets addicted to time-turners and must defeat her future self like six times, including several brutal murders. You start to feel sorry for Dolores Umbridge, and then she is brutally murdered. Everybody sings a bunch of annoying songs and then are brutally murdered. Turns out they are sex workers this whole time.
Ellis: Hermione joins MI-5 and teams up with basically John Constantine to solve political British in-jokes. He’s pretty cynical and smokes a lot, but underneath it all he just really believes in people. It is not really about the kids or about Hogwarts or wizardry or magic or anything you might have thought it would be about. Harry is actually Houdini’s grandson and Hermione is descended from Tarzan and the whole Weasley family is actually from the Little Nemo universe and they just forgot. They get all the most awesome students together, and become sexy fascists. Also the media is aliens putting lizard babies in your abdomen, most likely.
Liefeld: Everyone’s spines are bent into horrible contortions, they all get giant breast implants and weird crosshatches over parts of their bodies, the hip-pockets double in number and size, and the new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher is Snape from the future and he has a twin brother who is also Snape but from the different future and from different parents who wears a toaster over his face. It is mostly nonsensical and has itself a latent homosexuality. All the spells do the same thing, which is go KRANGGG and SPOOSH and BLONK.
Morrison: Everything is perfect and way better, except the last book is still an unholy mess. Wizards are now a wonderful, vibrant and visible, culture-setting minority the rest of the world adores, almost like in real life. Dolores Umbridge turns out to be totally awesome and just says she was drunk the whole time she was with the Ministry; instantly forgiven. Snape is actually a future version of Harry Potter but doesn’t remember everything in time to save everybody, but that’s okay because everybody is everybody else and there’s no such thing as Voldemort because he is all of us but inside-out and backwards, so deal with it. PS, Ginny Weasley is God.
Bendis: Stupid fuckin’ Mrs. Weasleya person who dresses like an ugly stripper and is married to a robot and her only personality trait is to go insane periodicallygoes insane for the millionth time and wishes there were no wizards, so then everybody goes back to being some kind of ridiculous 1960’s version of minorities that doesn’t even exist, because Marvel is an idiot.

David: The gang goes to therapy! Which is lucky, because they all have serious mental problems. Hermione becomes an alcoholic, then gets pregnant. Harry has sex with alternate versions of himself in secret, then marries a little girl in a future concentration camp. Ron and Cedric also are gay on occasion. Please do not tell Rob Liefeld.
Liefeld: Ron and Cedric are not gay.
David: Ron and Cedric are totally gay.
Liefeld: Ron and Cedric are not gay or else.
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5 thoughts on “WHAT IF? Marvel On Rowling

  1. Loved this so much. I'm pretty sure the non-stop onslaught of adolescent murder in New Mutants: the New X-Men: Academy X didn't occur until Yost and Kyle's run, though. DeFilippis and Weir had nothing to do with it and were probably as baffled and depressed as everyone else.

    Like

  2. The fake Ginny Weasleys for the Potter spatter capture was nice, but then I though- oh crap- what would Dune Harry Potter be like, and then I realized, probably exactly like that, but the fight clubs would be giant desert planets. But grown up Draco Malfoy would still be Sting.

    Like

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