You know how much I love slutty Halloween costumes.
“I’m a naughty nurse!” Sure you are.
“I’m a sexy cat!” Bless your heart.
It’s a truth universally acknowledged that slutty Halloween costumes are the best kind of costumes, and the trick is to combine three things…
1) Sluttiness, first and foremost.
2) What you’re actually working with, Color Me Beautiful-style: are you a “pear”? An “apple”?
3) Some kind of twist that makes you interesting and special.
If slutty Halloween costumes are the best kind, then the worst kind are conceptual. If I have to ask what you’re dressed as, you’d better have a snappy answer. I don’t, personally, want to have to explain my costume, or do a little show or shtick to help you figure it out.
Similarly, Halloween is about two things: hooking up and getting drunk. You don’t want your costume to inhibit either of these activities, either by being cumbersome or by being needlessly grostesque. The best slutty costumes combine ease of movement with total sluttiness, allowing both. That’s generally why I stick to bunny ears.
However, this year I tried — with varying levels of success, although I guess we’ll see for sure tonight — to get the boyz on board. I want to start a movement for men of all shapes and sizes to get slutty on Halloween.
The upside is that I think I convinced JBS to go as Dingle, the short-shorts cop. It wouldn’t be the first time I started a movement to get my own unhealthy kicks.
Downside: I can’t let the movement down by avoiding my responsibilities as its demagogue, but I show a distinct lack of creativity when it comes to stuff like this. Here’s what I’ve got at presstime.
1) Slutty Dora The Explorer: orange short-shorts, tiny backpack, and some kind of wig. “Como se dice threesome?” You won’t need a compass or a map to track this hot bitch.
2) Slutty Pirate. ‘Nuff said.
3) Slutty Priest/Nun. Too on the nose/Castro. Not the kind of gay we like.
4) Slutty Serviceman. Only if it’s the Navy, and we’re working with a budget.
5) Slutty Santa.
I think we have a winner.