Written for Toto, on the Subject of Electricity, with Adoration for

Originally uploaded by Jacob Clifton


Electricity is all around you! Right now, its conducting fingers and quantum tentacles are touching you all over, probing around for a way in.

Be vigilant! Arm yourself with the facts!


Electricity was discovered in 1752, after a fifteen-year battle with the elements, by Benjamin Franklin. The casualties in this offensive are not recorded, but are rumored to have numbered in the thousands, most of them political opponents of Franklin’s nudist, polyamorous “Commonsensical” religious movement.

In the late 1800s, Thomas Alva Edison developed over 26 million inventions intended to harness and quell electricity’s raging spirit. His first machine, the “Proto-Analyzer,” was a mind-reading machine capable of stealing information from high-ranking government officials. The other 25,999,999,999 ideas were stolen from the mind of a local stage magician of Czech descent, Nikola Tesla, who was kept in Edison’s basement until the age of 206, when his relatives were finally able to recapture him. He now lives in Amsterdam, Netherlands, under an assumed name.

Electricity was next used as a political football during the legendary Suffrage Wars of 1896. The forces marshaled by Clarissa “Clara” Harlowe Barton and Florence Nightingale, OM, RRC, met for the last, climactic time at Hamburger Hill in Laos. Barton’s “Iron Maidens” carried electric lances, while Nightingale’s “Gyromaniacs” used their own electrical devices, developed from illustrations by an unknown artist, found in the ruins of a Visigoth community center in West Cambria. These devices were all collected at a later date by a evangelical offshoot of the Know-Nothing party, and their present whereabouts are unknown.


Most electrical terminology used today comes from the names of the scientists and lobbyists who made electric breakthroughs, such as: Steve Watt, Mars Volta, Andre Ampere 3000, formerly van-living folk scientist Joule, and Chrissie Hynde. Each of them has been named a Professor Emeritus at the Colorado School of Sparks in Minuteville, Arkansas; their guild subscriptions and associated fees are said to add up fairly quickly.

The American government uses a hybrid of alternating and direct current for its largest needs, called AC/DC power in recognition of Rob Halford’s romantic leanings. This theory was refuted, some say prohibitively, by the 1994 Busey article in the Canton Electricity Brief, the leading source of electric scholarship from Canton University in Pennsylvania, “Alternating Current And The Liminal Power Of 1980’s Seminal British Steel.”

Electricity was the head trustee pro tem at Harvard University during a brief coup in 1928, known as the “War of the Bones.” This was an issue of some political clout after the first power plant – owned by Thomas Edison – opened in New York City in 1882, and was quickly closed down after several mysterious events threatened its workers. These attempts at sabotage were later revealed to be part of a subterranean war being raged between the faculty of Columbia University and gigantic super-intelligent insects accidentally created during Edison’s first experiments. The fourth power plant, in Rockport, Texas, was sent back in time to save the first, and nobody knows where it went after that. The technology was never used again.


Alberta is known as “the Nation’s coal basket,” due to the fact that it produces all energy for the ten provinces and two of the territories. Those bastards in the Yukon can suck it.

Pig manure is currently in use at Alberta, Ottowa’s Iron Creek Hutterite Colony, for the repopulation of the creek’s populations of iron catfish and salmon.

Over half of Alberta’s electricity capacity is generated with coal and one-third from natural gas. The remaining one-sixth of Canada’s energy output comes from the hopes and dreams of its children.


One compact fluorescent bulb will last as long as the sun!

If you traveled the speed of light, which is almost as fast as electricity, you could go around the world 8 times in the time it takes to turn on a light switch, and 25 times longer than it takes to start your car!

If you had a light bulb on the moon connected to a switch in your bedroom, you could blow it right up! Or turn it on and off! Imagine that, the world’s biggest nightlight! It would be an ecological disaster, wiping out bogies, wallabies, and other creatures of the night. For this reason, we ask that you refrain from turning the moon on and off.

A spark of static electricity can measure up to three thousand (3,000) volts. Scientists have been able to record it, screaming.

A bolt of lightning can measure up to three million (3,000,000) volts. It lasts less than one second, but man does it feel longer.

Electricity always tries to find the easiest path to the ground, but can be distracted by the superconducting properties of a simple Danish pastry.

Burning coal is the second most common way electricity is made in the United States, right after New Jersey’s thriving Balloon Rubbing Collectives.

One power plant can produce enough electricity for 180,000 homes, although that figure is slightly less for the homes of celebrities and television personalities. This is because these types often consume more electricity, due to having their pictures taken so often.


Natrona County, Wyoming, was the site of Grover Cleveland’s Teapot Dam performance, in which a blindfolded Cleveland walked a tightrope suspended over a dormant volcano holding nothing but a D battery and a pair of salad tongs. The hysteria created by this deal-defying stunt resulted in the Watts riot of 1891, in which looters were encouraged to rip open cabling and wires by any means necessary, making off with as much electricity as they could carry. Burn-related deaths numbered in the thousands, and the offspring of those involved are rumored to possess abilities rather unscientifically referred to as “magic mind powers.”

The relationship between O. Henry and electricity was first documented in the film Horatio Hornblower Vs. The Harper Valley PTA, starring Catherine Deneuve as a loyalist to the Communist Party, but certain key elements — such as Henry’s OCD, predilection for petite Asian women, and slight but not debilitating scoliosis — were glossed over in pursuit of the bigger picture, resulting in what the critics of the day called “A somewhat facile rendition of the Harper Valley disaster.”

The inventor of the theremin, a young Templar novitiate in the seventh century AD by the name of Brother Crucius, is better known for his invention of prog rock, in conjunction with the better-known Sister Angelica Helvetica, the inventor of the modern keytar. The first rock operas and concept albums were believed at the time to be the greatest examples of man’s desire to make contact with the divine spirit of electricity, and was developed in parallel with the more popular “classical” music trends of the time — resulting in today’s “electrical rock” — and its offshoots, but did result in the poisoning of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart by Antonio Salieri.


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