Explaining Things With Charts & Graphs

W: “Why don’t you call me anymore?”

J: “What day is it?”

Hours of sleep per night: 4-6 hours
Hours of baby per day: 6-10 hours
Hours of writing during day: 0-4 hours
Hours of writing per night: 4-6 hours

Usable square feet in new apartment’s bedroom after three weeks post-move in: zero
Days the coffee table spent on its side in the kitchen, expressed in weeks: 3
Hours total per day spent awake in own apartment: 3-6
Days behind on the few DVR’d TV shows I actually watch for pleasure: 5 (Sunday night)

Recaps written since moving into new apartment, expressed in programming hours: 17 hours
Recaps waiting to be written: 2
Recaps to be written for next week’s programming, expressed in programming hours: 6.5 hours
Words written for Smart Pop assignment, due 15 May: zero of 5,000
Words written at NYT Magazine‘s humor editor’s very sweet, very exciting request, since February: zero
Seconds spent revising novel for Round II of marketing, since November: zero

Amount of respeito the baby demonstrates: zero respeito
Times an hour the baby Moves Her Own Cheese: 16
Percent resistance of the baby to the “Stop Moving Your Own Cheese” concept: 150%

Last day I remember beyond a general blur of information, screaming, and great vats of espresso: 13 January
Projected date of my currently-deferred birthday, i.e. “When will I have time to turn 28?”: 20 May

Optimal number of emails in my Inbox at any time: 10 emails
Current number unanswered emails in my Inbox: 74 emails

Weeks left of American Idol: Approx. 6 weeks
Weeks left of The Apprentice: Approx. 9 weeks
Weeks left of Doctor Who: Approx. 9 weeks

Approximate weeks left until Weeds, Big Brother: All-Stars return and chill me out: Approx. 10 weeks
Approximate level of emotional dependence currently on Big Love: Keeps me from slapping strangers when given the chance

Approximate weeks left until Battlestar Galactica: 20
Probability that SciFi will pair new seasons of Battlestar and Doctor Who starting in October: 5:1
Probability that this will cause yours truly to slap strangers given the chance, regardless of how much I love Big Love: 5:1

Percentage of me that gives a fuck about TV right now: 10% of a usual ~30%
Percentage of me that is nothing but words and writing and quickness: 86%
Terrifying laser-like intensity: 93%

Likelihood that I will write again in this journal before 2012: Low.
Possibility of changing things to affect any one of the above variables: Nothing.

Now operating, in fact, at: Peak efficiency.

Which is: depressing, exhilarating, exhausting, and life-saving.

(If you’ve been looking here for recap links, check under my name on AI, TA, and DW; Mondo Extras, Firefly, and Veronica Mars — and Big Love in a couple of weeks.)


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