Jacob Clifton

Kind Of A Bitch: Horrible Sex In A Gorgeous Dress

Chapter One: Cock Blocking At The Viper Room

Meet the Ingénue (“Call me Kate”), who is cheating on her boyfriend. She has snark but no soul. When she finds that he is in turn cheating on her, she goes ballistic. With the support of her three best friends, she goes out trolling for hookups. Whilst drinking, they come up with the idea for the most clichéd chick lit novel in the world. There is much gossip about who is slutty, and the various levels of sluttiness.

Chapter Two: I Hate Olivia Newton John

Lame Best Friend declares his intense love for her. She responds by hanging up the phone and going shopping. Her novel pitch is completed, and receives a response. Attempting to get the bad boyfriend back, her heart broken, she turns down the Lame Friend brutally. This still has no effect, because boys are stupid bitches.

Chapter Three: Ten Reasons To Avoid Administrative Work

She gets an Agent, but only after a crisis of confidence in which her only support is her Gay Best Friend. Continuing to look for approval, she randomly comes across a way to screw a fellow writer, Slutty, out of a book deal. This involves aligning herself with a slimy agent and tossing around some careless anti-gay sentiments. She maneuvers Slutty into ghost-writing the book for her.

Chapter Four: That’s Not Prosciutto

She cleans her apartment, determining to clear the shit out of her life. Lists are made and the results are recorded. Her Slutty Best Friend meets with her and the publisher’s editor, and she cuts Slutty down in front of the editor, ruining Slutty’s chances further. Much is discussed of viral marketing and sexually transmitted infections. It is made clear that Slutty will receive no credit.

Chapter Five: The Keyboard Shortcut for An Umlaut

New Soap Opera Boyfriend in tow, she visits various VIP rooms and switches agents at a terrible and disgusting time, which indirectly causes her new boyfriend to be fired. On meeting her first fat and ugly fan, she does something so ridiculous it becomes clear that the novel is allegorical/satirical. Many metaphorical pieces of apparel, shoes and fur will fly.

Chapter Six: A Percentage Of The Back End

New TV Industry Boyfriend in tow, she learns first hand how to play the game. She tries to manipulate the TV industry for fun. At her Book Release Party, she becomes involved in some Corporate Espionage and Sabotage, and later participates in a Drug Orgy. She invites Slutty to tag along with her, setting her up for scandal down the road.

Chapter Seven: Playas Ain’t Nothing But Hos And Tricks

New Movie Star Boyfriend in tow, she attends her first Hollywood pitch meetings. She hurts her Gay Friend through her dismissive attacks on a rabid fan of the book, and meets lots of screenwriters. The book makes a million dollars. She is praised by everyone for being such a bitch, and becomes the toast of both Hollywood and the New York literary scene. She becomes a trendsetter and cool-spotter, and her casual comments in interviews and sidebars influence ever-greater fluctuations in the bestseller lists.

Chapter Eight: Getting Cum Stains Out Of Roberto Cavalli

She encounters her Movie Star Boyfriend’s Wife at her movie’s Premiere. She deals with the Scandal with nothing less than freaky and ugly boredom, begins to stalk the wife, and gets tangentially involved in Politics related to her Corporate activities. Lists are made and the results recorded. The wife eventually leaves the husband, who goes nuts and tries to get the Ingénue to come back to him; she tells the media that he was impotent and probably gay.

Chapter Nine: Only Dudes Want To Fuck Zach Galifianakis

Now dating a Politician, she becomes involved in the Fashion industry. The night her Book Deal is announced, she’s forced to Murder her Slutty Friend, who has been doing some digging of her own. Their final conversation provides what little moral compass the book will allow, but the Ingénue is hilarious in her dismissal of the simple ethical quandaries with which she’s presented. It is discovered that the Ingénue is a racist, but not the “bad” kind.

Chapter Ten: The Entire State Of California Can Eat My Ass

She resolves to get her Lame Best Friend to love her, while working on Novel #2. She is no longer hot in the news as a writer, but has become a celebrity in her own right. Finding her interest waning when Lame Friend professes to still love her, she drives him to suicide, framing Gay Friend for the Murder of Slutty. She then rolls around in a delightful pile of money, having learned nothing and grown not a whit.