Movies That Won’t Suck As Much As They Ought*

*Or Already Didn’t

In which the few movies I can remember hearing about try to make themselves memorable for another week at least.

  1. *Closer: is perfect. Actually, technically, romantically, subjectively, empirically perfect. Perfect thing of film. I will own, and I will watch a million times. Not only does it make me happy that my singular heterosexual experience was undertaken under the influence of more drink and blow than I can handle, but is also how I like it: not cynical exactly, not hateful exactly, just ugliful and true and real.

    They all get A) what they want and B) what they deserve, and that’s a lot like life and a lot like how I like things. Everybody ends up where they belong, and that’s not a bad thing. Or a good thing, just a real thing, and that’s lovely. And it’s so awesome, because it’s Mike Nichols, the anti-hot director, so it also satisfies my Kristeva-like need to love things my friends are too cool to like.

  2. *The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou is perfect. Now, I’ve known for a long time that I hated The Ryanl Tenebaums solely for the reason that it wasn’t Rushmore, and I knew that was gay. And that the only reason I liked it was for Margot (see my life story). So I saw this movie thinking that I might finally get over my hateration of TRT based on liking of this movie. Mission accomplished. It’s basically the Margot Tenebaum story writ large, but there is a lot more going on.

    If you know me, you must know that I hate that bullshit Paul Auster West Wing Paul Revere’s knives “now you’re my son” I have no father where is my father I’m a loser because of my father bullshit bullshit … but this movie does it right. It’s Margot Tenenbaum done correctly, and now I like The Royal Tenebaums.

    YThe Life Aquatic hit me so hard and so crazy I started crying — real tears! — minutes in, and kept crying. If it was funny, I cried instead of laughing (while thinking, “what the fuck? That’s supposed to be laughter! Am I having a stroke?”). If it was awesome, I cried instead of going “oh.” If it was sad, I cried instead of … crying or whatever. If it was pointed, I cried instead of thinking “well played.” There was no stopping me or my tears. That movie is, I think, one of the possibly secret keys to me.

  3. *Ocean’s 12: you get it or you don’t, and either way I love you. That movie is great because she gets to be a celebrity at the end, even though “celebrity” equals “high-stakes thief” at the end.
  4. Hellboy, because as of tonight I have enough collaboration that my idea that it is awesome has been validated as far as I’m concerned.
  5. Elektra, because that is one of the best comics I’ve ever read (the one I’m talking about is the 80’s one with art by Bill Sienckewicz (did I spell it right?), by favorite artist from 1988 to 1995 (from when I was ten to I when was 17), and also because I am now apparently one of those Alias people that wants to wash the feet of Jennifer Garner with their hair because she is SO FUCKING AWESOME.
  6. Constantine because how bad can you fuck up a comic book, even one of my favorite comic books, when it’s really about a dick who fucks people over…magically.
  7. Serenity because if you’ve haven’t watched Firefly I don’t know what the fuck your problem is, that’s like the best show ever. Even people who hate Buffy like that show. It’s unstoppable.

Love you, happy now. They just found the biggest meth lab ever discovered in Austin. Gotta go.

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