Thoughts on the new Beasties video.

  1. Thank god this isn’t that goddamned Ch-Check It Out song.
  2. Beasties are the Cher of crossover rap. It’s over. Go home and sit on your pile of money like a chicken hatching an egg.
  3. Should have known this was coming — remember that one year where all that happened was Mike D’s wife directed Crossroads and Mike D. fell off a bike? If those are the only talking points you’ve got, for the entire year? You’re worse off than Cyndi Lauper.
  5. Apparently the Beastie Boys are British now. Awesome.
  6. Mike D. hasn’t been the hot one for a long time. His face broke. It turned melty like Joey Potter’s. However, the one that is not Mike D. and is not AdRock? Is totally hot now. When did this happen? Why wasn’t I notified?

Other music news from today’s unemployed TV watching, which on Wednesdays focuses on Music on TV.

  1. If you have a chance, do try to catch the new Alanis Morissette video. It’s a list, of course. Of stuff that may or may not make any damned sense. Thanks again, India, Peace out. Nobody will whip you up a hot batch of listed items that may or may not be relevant quite like our favorite Canadian “rocker”.
  2. Dear Alanis: It’s not songwriting, it’s OCD. Oh and how are you enjoying Dave Coulier on Surreal Life?
  3. Expect the next single to be like, “I Dreamed Humbert Humbert Fucked Charo and Flav Watched With His Hand on Brigitte Neilsen’s Dick.”
  4. When you see the Alanis Morissette, don’t run screaming like you are going to want to. Watch the whole thing. Will it freak you out? Yes. Will it make you ill? Yes. That is the intention. Has Photoshop technology progressed so little? Yes. Is it like those awful Six Flags commercials where the scary old man and his dissociated limbs are hurled about? Yes, just like.
  5. I am now convinced. Good Charlotte is actually homosexuals. That’s cool, I guess. It would be better if their music wasn’t bullshit, terrible Music for Gangrene Cockholes.
  6. The Killers rock your lame ass.
  7. It’s okay if Taking Back Sunday and Lostprophets and every other band sound the same (I can’t think of any other examples. Yellowcard.) if you like the band that they all add up to. I do. This is also why I like Everclear. Same song over and over, but if you like that song, you’re in.
  8. I wasn’t prepared for everything to go so wrong, so quickly, for Ms. Spears-Federline. It makes me sad because the album is like, objectively awesome. Total bummer. How come Xtina made a good album and everybody forgot she had syphilis, but the second Britney made a good album, she started spreading syphilis? Is there a Courtney Cox-Arquette/Matthew Perry Axis of Ass where they just shift their Whore Points back and forth every year? At least Xtina has the excuse of getting raped by a relative in her trailer every single day of her life and sometimes twice.
  9. Dear Green Day? A concept album? How Beastie Boys Planned Obsolescence of you. When blink-182 is all of a sudden the real deal Old Guard and making wonderful, beautiful music on a regular basis and actually changing the future of music with every song (except “Down” which is basically just a sucky demo version of “Miss You”) and your albums sound like covers of the very bands that have been ripping you off? Go sit on some money.
  10. PS: Billie Joe? You were never bisexual. Stop it already. It was cute when you were 22. You are now 65 years of age. Act like it. And speaking of “cute when you were 22,” let me give you the number of my orthodontist.

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