Don’t Leave Until I Get There

Becca501: i think i have a reunion this year, and i’d be half scared to go. i’d go all 12-step on everyone, apologizing for being such a huge bitch 20 yrs. ago

jakobprodukt: Fuck that. Your life is totally glamorous and you’re looking great. You should try to be ten times as unapproachable and make them come to you — then when you turn out to be nice and sweet and funny and clever, everyone will think you’re a superstar.

Becca501: maybe. i’ll see when it is. maybe i can take my young boyfriend, and then they really WILL think i’m a star. they’ll think i’m demi fucking moore

jakobprodukt: HA! both of you in monochrome and sunglasses. with accents. A lot of my schemes tend to have accents in them.

Becca501: oh, we’re DEFINITELY wearing all black. maybe i can get him to bring his guitar and be a rock star — that would be so cool — those people are all married and have kids and shit. and houses.

Becca501: boring boring.

jakobprodukt: Awesome. And then you come in … all glamour and ridiculous …

Becca501: you’re making it SOUND good

jakobprodukt: walk out without saying goodbye

Becca501: oh, man, can you imagine? making out with a 29 year old boy at my reunion? i want to go now

jakobprodukt: quick change to a sweater set and come back in all, “hey I haven’t seen you in so long!”

Becca501: i wasn’t going to, but you have totally convinced me. i’ll blog THAT shit

Becca501: if he won’t go, i’m going to make you come here and pretend to be my young boyfriend

jakobprodukt: I’m in. Taking the act to the burbs.

Becca501: THEN they’ll need therapy, if they didn’t before

jakobprodukt: rock and roll

Becca501: i want to show up and have them NOT KNOW WHO I AM

jakobprodukt: HELL YEAH. Rock and roll.Becca501: although if one of them calls me Becky, i’m going to get violent

jakobprodukt: Just pretend not to recognize them, and introduce yourself

Becca501: hee

jakobprodukt: It works really well because they’re not sure if you remember them or if you’re administering some kind of punishment or what

Becca501: i love this

jakobprodukt: but they never forget your name after that.

jakobprodukt: thanksgiving again maybe?

Becca501: probably. stupid fucks.

Becca501: well, i’m planning to spend t’giving in europe so too bad for them

jakobprodukt: drunkdial people throughout the reunion at set intervals telling them contradictory stories that are fascinating and sounding totally coked up and talking about how you’re almost there, almost there, so everyone is like WTF and waiting for you and completely forgetting the actual event.

Becca501: YES

jakobprodukt: “I heard this!” Well, I heard this! “Wait, isn’t she in Mexico?”

jakobprodukt: Just randomly calling people and being all, “I just wanted to make sure you’d be there before I came because it would be pointless without you … what’s been going on? I just finished a post-doc piece on Guatemalan beauty pageants”

jakobprodukt: “I haven’t slept in three days!”

Becca501: “Oh, shit, they’re calling me into surgery”

Becca501: DON”T LEAVE until i get there

jakobprodukt: “They showed Dodgeball on the plane!”

jakobprodukt: DON’T LEAVE UNTIL I GET THERE!

jakobprodukt: Yelling at people, all, “Hold on, sweetie … GET OFF THAT FUCKING ROOF! I HAVE A REUNION TO GO TO!”

Becca501: DON”T LEAVE UNTIL I GET THERE

jakobprodukt: “I am on the phone with my BEST FRIEND FROM HIGH SCHOOL! … are you there? DON’T LEAVE TIL I GET THERE!”

jakobprodukt: “You’ve got to meet her! She was like Queen of the Language Lab! She fucked EVERYBODY! GET OFF THE ROOF! Are you there? Stay on the phone. RUFUS! Sweetie? I have to go. BUT
PROMISE ME YOU WON’T LEAVE!”

Becca501: i’m doing this. i’m doing this.

jakobprodukt: Better than attending.

Becca501: FAR better

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