I Am Also Cross With R Kelly.

I just heard R Kelly’s latest — the title track from Happy People — and I am so fucking sick of him making albums I want and cannot in good conscience buy.


Here are some lyrics that I often sing to myself. This is how I started feeling artistically ambivalent about R Kelly.

The song in question is entitled “Feeling On Your Booty.”

This is my song for real, no doubt
Said the DJ’s making me feel thugged out
As I walk you to the dance floor
We begin to dance slow
Put your arms around me
I’m feeling on your booty

[that’s the best part, of course]

Hey pretty mama, how are you doing?
Said I’m just in town for the weekend
Looking for a little trouble to get into
Baby tell me what you’re drinking & I got you
Players wanna play, ballers wanna ball, rollers wanna roll
But I’m taking off after I dance
Oh yeah

This is my song for real, no doubt
Said the DJ’s making me feel thugged out
As I walk you to the dance floor
We begin to dance slow
Put your arms around me
I’m feeling on your booty

Now you’re body’s got me feelin’ like spending
With a back room I could come to live in
And your hair weave looking kind of pretty
The way you back it up on me, baby
God have mercy!

This is my song for real, no doubt
Said the DJ’s making me feel thugged out
As I walk you to the dance floor
We begin to dance slow
Put your arms around me
I’m feeling on your booty

[Then comes the second best part because, you see, he’s using Alanis Morrissette songwriting techniques:]

If it’s your birthday, then put your hands up!
You wanna get drunk? Then put your hands up!
And if you’ve got some cash, then put your hands up!
Have your own job? Put your hands up!

[Those are 3/4 true about me almost all the time, and all true one day out of the year. And on that day, I put my hands up four times as hard.]

Playas wanna play
Ballers wanna ball
Rollers wanna roll
Feel so good, say it again

[So he does. Then he says the part about feeling on your booty a bunch of times. More than you can imagine, and it’s awesome. And then he begins to harmonize:]

Booty! Boo-oo-oo-ty … booo … boo … tah … boo … tay …. boooooooooo tay … feeeeelin’ on that booooty yes I am …

Gorgeous.

So I went to the store just now to buy some batteries. It’s the kind of store where all the writing on the batteries, which are AA Duracell, is Korean — or else that very square kind of Japanese.

Walking back I saw an old man in a bright orange vacation shirt with those flame-y dragon-y tattoo-y pointy shapes on it.

Also a woman wearing a dirty and ill-fitting t-shirt that said “Don’t Ever Give Up!” who clearly had Given Up.

An ice cream truck there was, playing the GameBoy Tetris “Cool” song.

And three very little girls cursing a blue streak at a woman on a bicycle.

Just then, I realized I pretty much like the band Bush after all. Well, after Sixteen Stone. I like “The Chemicals Between Us,” and “Letting the Cables Sleep.” So that’s something I learned about myself that I didn’t know, and if you’d told me it was true I would have served you up a nice hot knuckle sandwich, Quizno’s style.

I also bought some cheese and cigarettes and a six-pack but these were mostly impulse purchases. Sometimes you want cheese.

The six-pack is another story. I am telling you the truth right now when I tell you truthfully, avoid Skyy Spporrtt. I bought it as a joke but there’s nothing funny about it. It makes my mouth taste like I imagine it would if I just accidentally drank pee.

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